2019: A Most Wretched Year

One year ago, I sat here in my tiny little “penthouse” awaiting the New Year. I didn’t like the numbers 2019 – the way they were laid out or simply the numbers themselves. I had a profound uneasiness as I contemplated what the year might hold. I fell asleep well before midnight and awoke to a quiet early morning. It didn’t take long to find out the reasons for my unease.

The Bad

Around the middle of January, I was getting ready for work. I put one foot on the footstool at the bottom of my bed, leaned over to tie my shoe, and felt four distinct pops in my butt area (lower back). The pain developed slowly, but intensely. After 24 hours, I went for a deep massage, very deep. Mistake.

Little did I know, but soon found out, I had ruptured a disk. Over a period of 11 days, I suffered pain like no other, spending one whole night screaming. I went to the hospital twice and spent several days in a nursing facility.

I learned the lessons of medications I could tolerate and those I couldn’t. Several together caused diarrhea and internal bleeding at one point. Dilaudid was a nightmare, but gabapentin was a miracle.

The technical writing contract I had been working on for 8 months ended on April 30. I wasn’t worried too much. I received incredible attention after adjusting my LinkedIn profile to show I was available for new work. Phone call after phone call came in rapid fire from recruiters. I didn’t even file for unemployment because I didn’t think I would need it. I was wrong.

The one job I probably could have gotten required some work/observation on a Naval ship. I would be required to wear steel-toed shoes, potentially climb up and down narrow ladders, and cross planks. I didn’t know this for sure, but what I did know is that I have a terrible fear of heights and I did not want to clomp around in steel-toed shoes to do my work. I am a writer.

Nothing seemed to work out, so I filed for unemployment and applied to job after job. Days melted into weeks, weeks into months. I decided to focus on my personal writing during this time off. I tapped poetry into my mobile phone at night just before I fell asleep and began laying out a collection of my poetry for intended publication. Still not done.

In the fall, I received my yearly flu shot. Twenty-four hours later, I woke up feeling like the glands in my neck were swollen. The day after that I was seriously sick. I sneezed, coughed my head off, felt nauseated, and my sinuses were blocked. I could hardly walk. I staggered to the bathroom and back to my bed for three days. I reported all this to my doctor, who gave me the standard “You probably had another virus. It was likley just a coincidence.” I knew he would say that (because I had heard it before). I also knew he was wrong.

A few weeks after the flu debacle, I developed the first case of bronchitis since I quit smoking – at least it seems that long, 30+ years. I used to have it all the time, but I quit cigarettes and ran religiously for about 10 years. I rarely had even a sniffle. Bronchitis found me and got me good.

The year wasn’t close enough to being over, however. My back wanted one last hack at me. I guess I twisted/turned/bent the wrong way and sent my sacroiliac awry. Day after November day, I issued verbal groans and grunts – otherwise known as bohemian anesthesia – getting up from a sitting position or bending over to pick something up. I am weary of pain.

Throughout the year, I became acutely aware that I was immersed in depression. It’s a nasty disease – lethargy, frustration. Nothing seemed right and I couldn’t shake it even knowing tools to use. It held on tight and I white-knuckled the journey. A side effect of gabapentin is depression, but I can’t blame it wholly. It has hovered over me for most of my life.

The Good

The glittering beauty of this year came in the amazing, gorgeous wedding of my eldest grandson to his girlfriend/fiancé of 5 years. It swept all of us off our feet. So much love and we all felt a palpable embrace by it. Thank God for love and beauty! It was the highlight of my year without a doubt.

Other wonderful moments included the athletic excellence of my granddaughter and youngest grandson. My granddaughter excelled at cross country and track and will finish up her senior year in the spring. She will decide soon on where she will continue her education. Youngest grandson made the varsity team. It took him a bit to get his newly acquired long legs working right. He’s developing nicely!

A two-year family rift was at least partially healed. I give thanks for that and pray that peace can be maintained.

My dogs, Penny and Bridgette, are constant sources of love and happiness for me. I could not be without them

2020

That’s four even numbers. I think they are a good sign. I am hoping so as I stand on the edge of another new year and pray for goodness for everyone and everything. May we all get back on track to peace, joy, and love.

Happy New Year!

05/28/2019

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
--Maya Angelou

I guess that's what woke me up this morning - at 1:30 a.m. and then 3 a.m. According to my FitBit, I did get some REM, Light sleep, and some Deep sleep (but only a fraction). At 3:30 a.m., I couldn't stand it anymore, so I got up, fed the dogs, made coffee, and attempted to get back to my writing - because that's what kept me awake. I have many untold stories that want to see the light of day. I agonized over which one first and the next steps. Writing is hard despite the pleasure.

Frustrated at every turn. MS Office had new updates, old software I thought I had deleted was still there and took forever to come up so I could once again delete them. Furthermore, I hadn't set up the document I had been working on correctly. It seemed like I couldn't get to first base without something kicking back at me. Persistence is the key, I told myself.

It has taken me since last Thursday to address this blog again. I had written an epistle - a very long one - but something happened. I clicked one of the Xs in the upper right hand corner of my doc and, despite the fact that I had Saved my work a number of times, the post disappeared. Competely disappeared. I think I deleted the source code for that post, so the system did what it was told and all of my words and thoughts were gone forever. Disheartened is a good word for how I felt. I put a lot into that post. I can remember most of what I wrote, but to go back and recapture the details just weighed on me too heavily. There was deep emotion steeped in nostalgia provoked by Celtic music - plaintive, wounded hearts - as Celtic music is wont to reflect. Heavy sigh...

Yesterday was productive anyway. I forced myself to stand up and move. That is a good start! I managed to rearrange some things in my main living space so I could move a little more freely. I finally set up my desk so I don't have to sit at the kitchen table to write. Now I have a place to write that makes sense.

Having at least started my writing day, I am going to try to sleep a bit more...

My Painful Week

It has been a while since I’ve posted to any of my blogs, but this week has been significant enough to take the time.

I went to a movie and dinner with a friend on Sunday. As I left the movie theater, I noticed my lower back was extremely tight.

Monday morning, as I was getting ready for work, I put my left foot on a low stool to tie my shoe and felt 3-4 small non-painful pops in my lower left back. I got as far as sitting down in front of my computer to work, but within a very few minutes I felt major pain. No position would relieve, it just got worse with every attempt. Then it became excruciating just to sit, lay, or walk. I couldn’t even get into my bed - achieved finally by flopping my top half on the bed and pushing my non-painful leg against the wall to push myself the rest of the way on. These movements were accomplished by what I’ve termed “bohemian anesthesia” - otherwise known as screaming.

I was flat in bed until Tuesday at which time I decided to seek medical help. I couldn’t drive. A neighbor took me to the nearest Urgent Care. Before a diagnosis, the doctor plied me with Dilaudid that made me very sick. I was there all afternoon taking anti-nausea meds and having blood taken from me. Nothing relieved the pain. It seemed to fluctuate according to its own will.

Around 7 pm, they arranged for an ambulance to take me to the hospital specifically to get an MRI - it’s where I spent the night. There were moments when pain was relieved some what, but would then zoom to 10. Two doctors stopped by to say they thought it was the piriformis and discouraged the MRI. The hospital released me with meds late afternoon.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to take some meds and noticed that I my left upper leg was numb and my groin was so painful it was hard to lift my leg even to walk. Back to the hospital ER.

Finally saw a doctor who thought it would be a good ideas to get a “real” diagnosis. He arranged for an MRI appointment, wrote prescriptions for more appropriate meds, and set me up with appointments with an orthopedist, physical therapist, and with my primary doctor’s office. I finally felt like I was going somewhere! The MRI revealed a bulging disk and, as a side note, I didn’t have cancer,

I am still nursing myself at home hoping and praying I can be back to normal (normal for me, anyway) soon. I am lying on my side in bed typing this in by iPhone and it’s a pain too.