One
year ago, I sat here in my tiny little “penthouse” awaiting the New Year. I
didn’t like the numbers 2019 – the way they were laid out or simply the numbers
themselves. I had a profound uneasiness as I contemplated what the year might
hold. I fell asleep well before midnight and awoke to a quiet early morning. It
didn’t take long to find out the reasons for my unease.
The Bad
Around
the middle of January, I was getting ready for work. I put one foot on the footstool
at the bottom of my bed, leaned over to tie my shoe, and felt four distinct
pops in my butt area (lower back). The pain developed slowly, but intensely. After
24 hours, I went for a deep massage, very
deep. Mistake.
Little
did I know, but soon found out, I had ruptured a disk. Over a period of 11 days,
I suffered pain like no other, spending one whole night screaming. I went to
the hospital twice and spent several days in a nursing facility.
I learned
the lessons of medications I could tolerate and those I couldn’t. Several
together caused diarrhea and internal bleeding at one point. Dilaudid was a nightmare, but gabapentin was a miracle.
The technical
writing contract I had been working on for 8 months ended on April 30. I wasn’t
worried too much. I received incredible attention after adjusting my LinkedIn profile
to show I was available for new work. Phone call after phone call came in rapid
fire from recruiters. I didn’t even file for unemployment because I didn’t
think I would need it. I was wrong.
The one
job I probably could have gotten required some work/observation on a Naval
ship. I would be required to wear steel-toed shoes, potentially climb up and
down narrow ladders, and cross planks. I didn’t know this for sure, but what I
did know is that I have a terrible fear of heights and I did not want to clomp
around in steel-toed shoes to do my work. I am a writer.
Nothing
seemed to work out, so I filed for unemployment and applied to job after job.
Days melted into weeks, weeks into months. I decided to focus on my personal
writing during this time off. I tapped poetry into my mobile phone at night
just before I fell asleep and began laying out a collection of my poetry for
intended publication. Still not done.
In the
fall, I received my yearly flu shot. Twenty-four hours later, I woke up feeling
like the glands in my neck were swollen. The day after that I was seriously
sick. I sneezed, coughed my head off, felt nauseated, and my sinuses were
blocked. I could hardly walk. I staggered to the bathroom and back to my bed
for three days. I reported all this to my doctor, who gave me the standard “You
probably had another virus. It was likley just a coincidence.” I knew he would
say that (because I had heard it before). I also knew he was wrong.
A few
weeks after the flu debacle, I developed the first case of bronchitis since I
quit smoking – at least it seems that long, 30+ years. I used to have it all the time,
but I quit cigarettes and ran religiously for about 10 years. I rarely had even
a sniffle. Bronchitis found me and got me good.
The
year wasn’t close enough to being over, however. My back wanted one last hack
at me. I guess I twisted/turned/bent the wrong way and sent my sacroiliac awry.
Day after November day, I issued verbal groans and grunts – otherwise known as bohemian anesthesia – getting up from a
sitting position or bending over to pick something up. I am weary of pain.
Throughout
the year, I became acutely aware that I was immersed in depression. It’s a
nasty disease – lethargy, frustration. Nothing seemed right and I couldn’t
shake it even knowing tools to use. It held on tight and I white-knuckled the
journey. A side effect of gabapentin
is depression, but I can’t blame it wholly. It has hovered over me for most of my life.
The Good
The glittering
beauty of this year came in the amazing, gorgeous wedding of my eldest
grandson to his girlfriend/fiancé of 5 years. It swept all of us off our feet. So
much love and we all felt a palpable embrace by it. Thank God for love and beauty! It was
the highlight of my year without a doubt.
Other
wonderful moments included the athletic excellence of my granddaughter and
youngest grandson. My granddaughter excelled at cross country and track and
will finish up her senior year in the spring. She will decide soon on where she
will continue her education. Youngest grandson made the varsity team. It took him
a bit to get his newly acquired long legs working right. He’s developing nicely!
A two-year
family rift was at least partially healed. I give thanks for that and pray that
peace can be maintained.
My
dogs, Penny and Bridgette, are constant sources of love and happiness for me. I
could not be without them
2020
That’s
four even numbers. I think they are a good sign. I am hoping so as I stand on
the edge of another new year and pray for goodness for everyone and everything.
May we all get back on track to peace, joy, and love.
